The Hummingbird - A Short Scene From My Life

Characters:

Nanny - 24 years old (thought she was closer in age to having her own children than continuing this babysitting gig that started at age 12 – but no).

Boy - 8 Years Old

Girl - 5 Years Old

Setting: Graduate student needing good pay with flexible hours for summer break once more stumbles into a nannying job. Nanny finds that 8-year old boy is fascinated with toilet humor, is very interested in what role a bra plays for women, wonders why boys and girls have different parts, and in the current scene is interested in the “baby producing” process.

Boy: “Nanny, where do babies come from?”

Nanny: (with large sigh and subtle role of eyes) “Where do you think?”

Boy: “From the stomach?”

Nanny: (Relieved) “Yes, from the stomach. That’s where they come from.”

Boy: “But where do they come out from?”

Nanny: (Grrrr!!!!) “Where do you think?”

Boy: Points to his own groin area.

Nanny: (not sure what to say or how in depth to go here, would rather drop the whole conversation). “Yeah, I guess. Look, we have to leave for camp in 10 minutes – Finish your breakfast! And who is your favorite football player?”

Boy: (persistent) “But boys can’t have babies.”

Nanny: (here we go again). “Yes, you’re right. So they come from women and they come out her lower stomach region.”

Boy: “You mean from where she goes to the bathroom?” (snicker, snicker)

Nanny: “un, well, yes, boy…now finish your bagel!”

Boy: “Nanny, how do babies get in the stomach?”

Nanny: (Are you kidding me?!?) “Uh, it’s a miracle from God.”

Boy: “But that’s not how it really happens. I mean, how does a baby really get in the stomach without ripping up the stomach?”

Nanny: “Look boy, ask your mom…I’ve never had a baby and she has had two!”

Boy: “But I can’t ask my mom! You have to tell me!”

Nanny: “No.”

Boy: “Yes, you do! I’m not eating another bite of my bagel until you tell me.” (Father of children gets very upset if kids don’t eat a big enough breakfast…he asks kids later in the day how much they ate, and nanny is responsible for making sure they’ve eaten all they were supposed to. This gives children an unfortunate amount of power given the time crunches in the morning.)

Nanny: “You need to eat your bagel or you can’t go to camp today.”

In walks girl from brushing teeth.

Boy: “I’m not eating it until you tell me how the baby gets in the girl.”

Nanny: (is this a dream?) “Boy, I’m warning you….ask your parents and eat your bagel.”

Girl: (with matter of fact look on face) “Duh, brother, it comes from the hummingbird.”

Nanny: (perplexed) “The hummingbird? What are you talking about?”

Girl: “You know, the hummingbird that plants the babies?”

Boy: “You’re talking about the stork, sister, and you don’t still believe that dumb joke, do you?”

Girl: “It’s not a joke, brother. That’s what teacher Harriet said.”

Nanny: “Yeah, it’s not a joke.” (praying to God: PLEASE let this just be the end…I haven’t even had my coffee yet!) Walking towards phone. “Now I’m going to call your dad if you don’t eat that bagel in two seconds.”

Boy: (Finally with panicked look on face). “Okay, Okay!”

Nanny: “Girl, get your shoes on. Boy, we’ll be in the car counting until 10!”

Nanny: (murmuring under her breath) “This is not what I signed up for. But thank God for the Hummingbird.”